“Bullying is the most common form of violence among young people,” says Stuart Green, DMH, LCSW, a behavioral scientist at Atlantic Health System. “Whether it is psychological, physical, or both, bullying starts young and exposure to it becomes a significant part of who we are in our adult lives.” Although Dr. Green is talking about young people in general, he explains that LGBTQ+ and gender-questioning kids are among the most targeted populations for harsh treatment by their peers. “Many bullied children are noticeably alone, isolated, and unengaged at school,” says Dr. Green. “Since they’re required by law to be in school, they must find ways to exist in an environment that doesn’t always adequately address the issues.”
How can parents help a child who’s being bullied?
Dr Green says the most important way to support your child starts with two old-fashioned, well-known values: communication and relationship. “The best thing parents can do is establish a supportive relationship with their kids,” says Dr. Green. “Open dialogue with your kids means they feel like they can tell you anything—even negative experiences.” At best, about half of kids tell an adult when they’re bullied. The other half won't. According to Dr. Green, the difference between those who tell and those who don’t is a supportive, trusting, open relationship with a parent. He acknowledges that this can be hard to find for gender-diverse young people who don’t fit into masculine or feminine stereotypes.
What can parents do if a child is bullying others?
Bullying is a pattern of negative acts and usually never a single incident. If you are on the side of the equation with a child who is repeatedly hurting others, the same principles apply. “Bullying isn’t a hardwired, lifelong condition. It’s a behavior kids engage in, but it’s not necessarily intractable or unchanging,” says Dr. Green. “With a supportive and empathic relationship—in which you really listen—you’ll be able to pick up on whether your child’s ways of interacting hurt other kids.”
Finding support for your child
The New Jersey Anti-bullying Bill of Rights requires every school to have an anti-bullying specialist on-site, typically a school counselor. If your child is being bullied, meet with school staff in person. Once any school staff becomes aware of possible bullying, the school is obligated by law to investigate and understand what’s happened. If they find harassment, intimidation, and bullying (HIB) is taking place, they must protect and support the targeted child and apply consequences for those bullying. “Teachers and school leaders should be aware of children who lack friends or other supportive relationships, or who may be vulnerable because of gender diversity, special needs, or any minority status—although any child may be bullied,” says Dr. Green. “It’s the school’s obligation to ensure peer support and school connectedness. If bullying occurs and a parent meets with an anti-bullying specialist, there are always ways to stop the patterns of violence to help a child feel safe and supported at school.”
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